I Don't Want To.

I don't want to live like this. 

The past few weeks I have been overwhelmed, stretched thin, exhausted, stressed, and just plain too busy. I hate this for more reasons than I can explain. I would be perfectly content living my life this stressed if it was because of something important. However, this is not the case. I've been put in this position of exhaustion because of school work. Yes, I know, education is important. But is it REALLY? I have had no time to pour into my relationships with the people that I'm surrounded by. This is not how I want to live. My fruitful conversations with Matt have been few to none, my conversations with my mom have been brief and not as frequently as I would like, my time and conversations with my best friend have been almost nonexistent, and the most important relationship, my relationship with the Lord, has been placed on the back burner and seems to be dragging. This is not how I want to live. I am sorry, but there is no way that me learning how to teach students what motion is is more important than my relationships. Especially with my relationship with the Lord. 

This is not how I want to live.

I don't want to live a busy life filled with insignificant, trivial, and frivolous things. I want to live a simple life. That may be a busy life but at least it will be busy because of things that actually matter in this world. I want to live a simple life, one of sacrifice and service, one of love and compassion, one of hope and truth. I want to live a life that reflects the gospel. I want to embody the gospel and tell it to the people I come in contact with. I want to share with them the hope that I have in Jesus Christ. The gospel is the most important thing in all of life. I firmly believe this. So why am I not living this way? Will I really allow my schooling to hold me back from living the way Jesus created me to live? I do not want to let this hold me back. I want to be free to share, to live, to serve, to be the hands and feet of Jesus.

This is how I want to live.

When I think about Haiti and all the third world countries, I see over and over that all these beautiful people want is to survive. They are willing to do everything they can to survive... even if that means risking the very life they are trying to keep alive. (Oxymoron?). Now, let me ask you this: why are people so willing to lay their life down for survival yet so many of us are not willing to lay our life down for the gospel? This thought is absurd. I'm sorry if that is blunt, but it is true. Why are we not willing to give up our lives for the sake of the gospel even though we have FULL assurance in our eternity in Heaven with our Creator? Why are we not willing to give up this insignificant life to bring life to the people who may spend their eternity in Hell if we do not go? 

The cry of my heart is to live a life that is not my own. I want to be used by the Lord to further the Kingdom and to reach the people of this world with His love and truth. 

This is how I want to live.

So this is where I find myself. Stuck. 

My body is stuck here, in America, at school, overwhelmed by lesson plans and activities for children, by lack of time, lack of sleep. And what for? 

Nothing. 

This is not how I want to live.

My heart is stuck in Haiti. With the people in need across the nations, in need of the gospel, in need of truth, love, hope, in need of life. And what would this be fore? 

Everything.

This is how I want to live.